I've blogged like a mad woman tonight. But it's New Years Eve you say? Yes it is. Matt is working and beings that I'm not a huge fan of the holiday, I'm pretty content hanging out at home catching up on posting. I print out my blog every year as a journal for my family, so I'm feeling pretty stressed to get caught up tonight before another year starts! Last year I wrote letters to my kids and had planned on doing it again this year. Honestly, if I wrote them tonight, as planned, it would be pretty difficult. It's been a very long night with my kids. Matt left around 5, after a wonderful, if I do say so myself, New Years Eve dinner. The kids and I hung out and played for a solid 30 minutes before the naughtiness started. We tried taking turns playing Super Mario Bros on the Wii until both London and Beck cried because their turns weren't long enough and one or both of them threw remotes at each other. Good times... Then, I sent the kids down to the basement to watch one show while I cleaned dinner up. A little bit later, London came up screaming that Beck was "stuck and had to pee really, really bad." A little confused, I ran downstairs to find Beck literally hanging from my Bowflex with a caribeaner on his beltloop. I hurried and unhooked him just in time for him to go potty. In all honesty, it was pretty hilarious, but infuriating. I calmly told London upstairs that she can't do that again because Beckett could have really been hurt, or she could have hurt herself, or ruined the gym equipment. Then she started a tantrum that is sadly all to familliar around here. She screams and kicks and says that no one loves her. It's hard to put into words how draining these tantrums are for me. She gets to an irrational state of mind that is completely void of common sense behavior. I start out so, so calm and hold her, but end up yelling because frustrations are so high that I too, loose control. It's a vicious cycle. Needless to say, all three kids were in bed by 7:30. London went to bed screaming that she wants a new mom, and I'm sure that in the heat of it all, I probably told her to go find another one. Mature, I know. She's such a great kid, but she has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. A challenge that I feel I'm failing miserably. She was diagnosed with Oppositional Diffiant Disorder several months ago. She has seen a therapist on and off for the past couple of years. She was put on medication for anxiety which has helped immensely, but she still really struggles at times to cope in situations. We went from 2-3 hours a day of uncontrolled tantrums sparked from something small like her socks feeling "bumpy" to the everyday 6 year old fits. Those I can usually handle. I know that it's hard on her. It's hard on me too. Imagine feeling like going back to work full time just because there may be a daycare worker or nanny that could raise her better and with more patience. Not a good feeling, but definitely an idea I've tossed around. I gave up a full time career outside of the home so that I could raise my children and not miss a second. Being a mom is so rewarding, but right now it's a huge challenge. I love my children more than anything. I know everyone out there has challenges in life, in marriage, and in parenting. I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who sent me Matt. I think he knew just how hard parenting would be for me, so he gave me the world's greatest, easiest marriage. It's something I definitely don't take for granted. This year overall, has been one of learning and growing. We have watched our children grow and love seeing glimpses of the people they'll someday be. It worries me so much that my reactions to London's behaviors are just making her worse and will scar her for life. At the moment, I have a copy of "The Power of Positive Parenting" on my lap. I'll give anything a try! Enough rambling. Maybe I'll get to the kids' letters next week! We'll see...
